Have you seen our new summer anthem, Milf Money, courtesy of Fergie? It’s something. Yeah, I know… But, how much milk money does one need to get a piece of that milf money? $3,601.86. I believe that’s a deal.

How do you arrive at $3,601 in milk money for that milf money? Math and the average price of milk being $3.15 nationally (last reported in May).

Fergie and Two Cups

First, let’s hit the giant plastic cups flanking Fergie and her dancers. Using Fergie for scale, we can get an approximate volume of each cup. Fergie is 5’4” or 64 inches. To get the volume, we will use the formula for a conical frustum:

Volume = (1/3) * π * h * (r12 + r22 + (r1 * r2))

Let’s assume each cup has the height of 2.5 Fergies. 160 inches. Now, we need the two radii – one at the bottom and the other at the top of each cup. Sticking with our Fergie scale, we can say the diameter of the cup is approximately 46-inches. That gives us the bottom radius of 23 inches. Head up to the top and we’ll say one Fergie can stretch across the top. That works out to a radius of 32 inches.

Plug it into the formula and you get around 383526 inches cubed.

We need that in ounces, so a total volume of ~212,000 ounces each. Neither cup is full, and we can do the Alabama measure (eyeball it) and say it’s about one-third full of some poor soul’s milk money. That works out to ~70,000 ounces (approx 547 gallons) in each cup.

Tub and a Shower

Now we are out of the math and into the bathroom. Fergie in a standard clawfoot tub. We’ll say a 66” Sanford from Restoration Hardware to get our dimensions – she’s not completely stretched out which aligns closer to an interior length of 46 inches.

The tub can hold 41 gallons, and it’s easy to forget you measuring a damn thing watching Fergie in a tub full of milk. We’re giving her the full 41 gallons (5,248 ounces) because she does have that milf money.

Now to Kim Kardashian under the shower in slow-motion. A 12-inch square rainfall showerhead has a 3.5GPM flow rate. Let’s giver the full minute of dairy goodness for the sake of slow-mo. That’s another 448 ounces.

Milf Money Poured to Measure

The rest is easy. In the video, the milkman is seen carrying 6, 32-ounce glass milk containers. He is also sipping from one for an additional 32 ounces.

Add in same style glass container used for a Fergie pour and the total ounces in glass containers hits 256.

milf money total milk used

Now the milkshakes. Each retro fountain drink milkshake calls for two cups of milk – thanks Paula Deen. Six milkshakes are seen in the video, and it hits 96 ounces. The same milkshake glasses were used for straight milk throughout the video for a total of 63 ounces.

What about regular kitchenware? Tall kitchen glasses accounted for 34 ounces, while small tumbler glasses hit 24.5 ounces. Why not throw a milk martini in? 5 ounces. The weird looking clear milk carton? 8 ounces.

Total: ~146,362.5 ounces / 1,143.45 gallons / 4,328.42 liters of milk.

You’re welcome America.

**No dairy cows were harmed in the production of this post. Sanity? It was either this or the election. Giant Meteor 2016.**

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